Friday, 13 January 2012

Beautiful Things

You know how there's some days that just end up being really crappy? Yeah well that's been my day.
But it hasn't just been one day, it's been a number of days now when even the slightest turn of events has left me feeling undone. Like I can't do this. This 'mothering' thing.
Either my expectations are extremely high or I am actually doing a terrible job at being a mother. And maybe not coping that well...
I know this all sounds very dramatic, but that's just the way it is right now. Being honest here ok?

And I am feeling like I am becoming undone. Like I've now got all these loose threads where once they were securely fastened, everything was intact.
I guess that's what having children does to you.
They make you a little psycho.
They make you become a less selfish person, giving up all things including sleeping through the night and the ability to wear any item of clothing without getting snot or a soggy biscuits rubbed on it.
They make you want to care for their every need, to scream at them, to hug them and never let go.
They make you laugh till you cry, weep with frustration, and love them till your heart explodes.
It's a crazy thing, this 'parenting' thing.

Generally the days start off well and everything is going swimmingly until the big school boy comes home absolutely shattered from a big day at school. He is only four I have to remember...!
And today there was a very public screaming tantrum just outside the school gates and I was trying to calm the screaming four year old while keeping the eyes at the back of my head {all mothers have those don't they?} on the two year old who tends to go off in his own world, wandering everywhere but the direction we have to go, talking to dogs, high-fiving runners and eating bits and pieces he finds on the pavement.

I think I just need my mum here to talk some sense into me, tell me that I'm completely normal, even though I'm feeling at my lowest of low.

She's only a 26 hour flight away...

Maybe my 'becoming undone' is all part of The Plan to become a better person. A better mother.
I don't want my boys growing up believing they have a dragon for a mother and were somehow short-changed with the mother they got.
And they only get one. And I'm it. Sometimes I feel a little sorry for them.

They are so flippin CUTE! It's them that make me want to be a better person.
It's them that keep unwittingly showing me I'm a selfish biarch with a short fuse. It's ugly.

There's this song I've been listening to called 'Beautiful Things'. It reminds me that, even though I feel ugly on the inside and crappy and unworthy to be given such amazing little treasures which are my three boys, that God can turn all this around. He can make beautiful things out of the dust. He can make me new.

And I'm really counting on this - that my ugly attitudes, thinking, words, actions can and will be turned into good things. Things that bring life. For the purpose of my children, I need this to happen.
I desperately want to make my home a positive environment, where my children {and husband} are happy, free to be themselves. My worst fear is that I would stifle their personalities because they are being too loud or whatever. They are passionate wee guys with massive personalities - and very strong wills... And I love this! But I do find it exhausting...

And I love them so much my body aches with it. They are my beautiful things.

Check out this song - it's so passionate, I love it.

So yeah there you have it.
That's me, honestly.

On that note.... HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!!
I'm planning to. A beautiful one even.


  1. a lovely post. you are not alone with these thoughts. enjoy your weekend. xo.

  2. We all feel like this sometimes. Had my own little breakdown this week. Hubby came home from work, and I was so past my screetching toddler and other two that I closed myself in my room and ever so "nicely" asked him to sort the kids dinner out while I just have a moment.
    My advice...lower your expectations...the perfect mummy only exist on tv sitcoms. And each day is a new day! And get enough rest/sleep, stuff is way harder to deal with when you are running on sleep dep.

  3. Hugs to you Brigette. I had my share of snappy times this week and times where I wished I could be a better mummy to my noisy duo. I hope things perk up soon for you. Spring isn't too far away. x

  4. Ah now see, here's the thing, you're an amazing mother and I know this because I've seen it first-hand. Having 3 energetic boys 4yrs old and under would be a challenge for anyone, and you're doing an amazing, amazing job, in fact such a good job that I regularly boast about you to anyone who will listen.

    Its probably very easy for me to say as someone without children, but try not to set your expectations too high Geets. I think that part of it is just accepting that its really hard work raising children - fact. Maybe acceptance of that might give you a bit of freedom from all the "I should be doing this better" stuff.

    If I am ever blessed with children and I can be even half the mother you are to your beautiful boys, then I know I will be a resounding success.
    Love you xxxx

  5. It's true, Tyra sings your praises as a mother quite regularly so you must deserve it
    Hang in there, you do have a hard job & I don't envy you but just look at Grandma or my Mum & check out the pleasure 3 boys give you further down the track. Sure there'll be broken bones n hospital trips if my brothers are anything to go by but just remember one day you'll have 3 beautiful daughters too. Love Narnie x

  6. Big hugs to you, gorgeous mama. We've all been there at one time or another. I beat myself up all the time about being a working mum, feeling like my kids don't get enough time, quality time with me. We all have things that we consider to be our fatal flaws that keep us from being a 'good' mama.... thank goodness God CAN make us new. But whenever I see your boys on the blog, they are happy, healthy and glowing, and despite the fact that's just the bit that I get to see, you can feel the love and happiness emanating, radiating from your blog... Big hugs xx

  7. I love your honesty. And you know what... your gorgeous boys ADORE you.... FACT and TRUTH!!! As so many others have said... think we all go there and beat ourselves up. So fab that you had an awesome Saturday. Funnily enough, we are missing the chilly sun... xxx. T.


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