I'm feeling like a terrible mother today - I have a baby 3/5th's engaged (!!) as confirmed by the midwife today, so I'm needing to be ready to welcome this little life any day now...... and yet my fuse is incredibly short with Luca and Beni. Poor little guys.
I've had zero tolerance for their noise and general boyish-ness and this makes me feel terrible for this other new life we are about to welcome when I just seem to be an intolerant, grumpy mother at the moment... Not cool. Not cool at all.
I have a herneated belly-button, this would explain the pain I'm in and the sensitivity in that area. Apparently this will go back to normal after birth, including other 'bits' on my body which seem to have protruded in pregnancy and are damn sore.
So I'm sore. I'm grumpy. I've been angry at my kids.
I don't like it that I'm sore and grumpy and have been angry at my kids.
I don't like what seems to be 'spilling out' of my heart and mouth all too easily. Grrrrrr.
I know I just need to be spending time in His presence and He will help me get everything back on track, help sort out all my shee-at that seems to be spewing forth.
My husband has just dropped a chocolate easter egg on the bed with the intention of cheering me up.
He's very sweet and knows what I need and when I need it.
Poor him that he was greeted at the door by a frazzled and grumpy wife today.
But that's just how it is today.
It's likely that tomorrow will be so much better, if not the complete opposite.
If any good has come out of today, it is the realisation that I just need more of God in me.
I need His refreshment, peace and strength on a daily basis, so I can be the best mamma to these little people He has blessed me with.
Sure there will be bad days, but I want to handle them better than I have today and I can't do that in my own strength, that's a proven fact.
Now I need to go and kiss these little guys goodnight and tell them I love them. I hope they realise just how much I actually do.
Big hugs. I know how awful a feeling it is when a day gets the better of you, but the learning and growing we experience in these days, especially the acknowledging of how much we need Him, is not such a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone was allowed to have a day of feeling a bit 'off' I think it would be you at this point in pregnancy my love! Pray that tomorrow is a much better day for you.
His mercies are new every morning (thank goodness hey!) xx
... Herniated belly button? OW.
ReplyDeleteLove you. You are AMAZING.
And your boys love you to smithereens and back.
3/5ths! Not long now - c'mon bambino tre, Aunty Gretchie wants to give you lots of cuddles (and also go for runs with your mamma again... selfish me)
xxx
((((cyber hugs))))) We all understand Brigitte...Don't forget you are probably getting a lot less sleep than usual and are probably thinking about the crazyness that is about to come very soon! All very valid feelings I feel.
ReplyDelete"His yoke is easy and his burden is light"
Look forward to the "guess what..I just had a fabulous birth! and a beautiful healthy baby! Blog Post. Thats what Im praying for you!
xx
don't panic honey... i could share with you a journal entry i wrote at almost exactly the same stage of pregnancy saying almost exactly the same thing!
ReplyDeleteI've come to expect that feeling at the end of a pregnancy now. it's because (after having done it a couple of times now) you know what's coming and how much stamina, determination, mental grit, physical endurance, etc it will demand of you. also, there is the concern - will everything be ok? what if---? etc.
and all you want to do is mentally prepare and focus so that you're totally In The Zone for when it happens....everything else is SO ANNOYING!! (and trivial! and distracting!)
in a teeny tiny way, i wonder if that's how Jesus felt in the garden before his betrayal/ crucifixion. the knowledge of the enormity of what was ahead and the irritation that no one else 'got it' (and kept falling asleep instead of praying!!).
be gentle on yourself and don't be too concerned, it's just as much a part of it as 'nesting' is at this stage (in my experience at least :) ) xO
or tomorrow could be just as "bad"...that is how my last week or so has gone. I hav at least come to the point of thinking that if I "loose" it every once and awhile, that I am still doing a LOT better tham a LOT of other people would in my situation with 3 WILD WILD WILD indians all by myself all the time. I (we) are only human and I think the "beating up ourselves" part is actually worse than what the kiddies pick up on during the act. At least that is what I am telling myself...I will include you in my prayers for myself to "get better".
ReplyDeletep.s. I am going to pray for myself first. hey ~ I am honest. ;)
let me know when that baby is 5/5 engaged. and i think that third (after two boys) is a girl...because i think you are my british alter ego.
I had one of those days today, Brigitte. It's tough facing the fact you aren't candidate for mother of the year some days - always makes me feel blue. But we aren't perfect, and Beni and Luca know you love them. It shines through on here every time you post. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteYour messy-eater babe and mine should get together. Ha! You should have seen my little Olive eat applesauce this morning. I'm pretty sure she was painting it on. Sounds like you need a bit of feet up, lovely music on the headphones, loads of chocolate repeatedly dropped on your lap and a bath.
ReplyDeletep.s. Ooh, the belly button pain. Sorta like someone's ringing the doorbell from the inside, right?
I understand completely!!!! I had all morning out with the girls last Saturday, came home and after 30 minutes with the boys was over them and their noise. Arrrh well, at least I'm not the only one with raging pregnancy hormones :)
ReplyDelete