I'm not sure I'm cut out for this

It's funny how a bad couple of hours can totally ruin your day... and your appetite.

I apologise in advance as this is going to be a bit of a 'feelings vomit' onto the page... but hey, that's the whole idea of this blog innit? It helps me sort my head out! There's no 'soft-focus' here and I'm not going to pretend that everything is great and I'm absolutely loving this role of being a mamma. It's unbelievably hard and incredibly soul searching. Darn it. That wasn't what I signed up for...

Flip - it's hard having two. Let me just put that out there.  I don't know why noone ever told me it was going to be incredibly difficult and STRESSFUL having more than one child.

WHY did noone ever tell me this?? Not that it would have changed my mind about having more than one, but at least I could have been a bit more mentally prepared for this role. And at the moment I'm feeling like I suck incredibly at being a mamma.

So what happened?? Well nothing major looking back at it now. Everything was going well until 4pm when the younguns woke from their naps...at the same time...both crying...therefore both needing attention. How do I decide who to deal with first? They both needed their mamma, what can you do??

It was 3 hours of 'Wahhing' from the wee one which meant that I was constantly feeding, shushhing, rocking, carrying him and therefore didn't have any time for the not-so-wee-one whom I had promised to draw pictures with. So instead he ended up watching CBeebies (again) all afternoon and I HATE that I have to do that to him! No quality time today (again) sorry buddy - mamma's too busy with numero due...

And so probably as a reaction to the 'no attention from mamma' numero uno's decibel level rose to an unmanageable level which resulted in lots of growling from mamma because his loudness and screams would set off the little guy and with two of them going for it just makes me want to bury my head under my pillow and pretend that I am somewhere else.  Somewhere where there are no children. Only Long Island Ice Teas.

I feel sorry for Luca because he should be outside running around to his heart's content or climbing a tree or playing with a dog - none of which is possible in our tiny London flat in the winter!... and so I feel sorry for him and I get frustrated at him having to be 'restricted' with his play because of our space issues as a result of our choice to live in London and have a family here and not be in New Zealand where there is almost too much space it's rediculous! Not to mention where the Grandparents are...

I get concerned that my children won't get the exposure or opportunities to do 'cool things' when they are at home with me because I just don't really know what I'm doing or what I should be doing and what developmental activities they should be exposed to at their ages blah blah blah.

Maybe this is all part of being a parent - feeling totally out of your depth??
Somehow I doubt I'm not the first parent to feel like this...

And so I have tucked myself up in bed so ready for the oblivion of sleep - no dinner, no appetite. Poor husband has to fend for himself tonight. Fortunately he's a great cook so he's not going to starve. Actually he's probably cooking some gourmet meal for one.

So - today, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.

But here's to a better tomorrow!