Wednesday, 17 November 2010

All it took was a bump on the head

...and the flood-gates opened.

A shelf that has always been in the same spot in our cupboard seemed to jump out and whack me in the head as I bent down to get the brush and shovel.
It hurt. It really hurt.
And so I started to cry. Just enough for my eyes to well up, all the while thinking "This is silly, you've given birth to two babies - now THAT is pain! Why are you crying about hitting your head?!"

But the crying didn't stop. As I bent down to sweep up the dirt from a potted plant Beni had attacked I started to sob. Big sobs that turned into bigger, more painful sobs.
Probably painful because I was trying to hold back the sobs so the boys wouldn't hear and it hurts to do that (have you ever tried it? You feel like your chest is going to explode).

So I locked myself in the bathroom and watched in the mirror as big tears started to wash away my non-water-resistant mascara.

And all I could do was just let the tears come as I cried my way through all that has been pent up lately inside my head and my heart.
I cried because I'm worried about the future.
I cried because I don't know how to communicate to my husband properly how it has felt to suffer from PND and that I don't think I'm handling things very well at the moment - right when I'm mostly finished with my medication...
I cried because I'm angry that I'm not strong enough to be the awesome mamma I want to be.
I cried because I really really really really really miss my mum and dad and it just feels too hard being so far away from them.
I cried because I'm tired.

When I'd finished with all that crying {well, I hadn't finished, there's still bucket loads in there to be shed but no time for the release of those buckets because the boys needed their dinner}, I picked up the phone and ordered pizza. To be delivered.
Austin's at Wembley Stadium tonight watching the football so I figured a takeaway treat was in order for us ones stuck at home. I can't wait until KFC starts doing home delivery...

When it came to Luca's bedtime story we sat down and read You Are Special by Max Lucado.
Such a great book - Luca is quite captured with it. A beautifully written and illustrated story about a community of wooden people and the Master Carpenter who created them.

You know how it is when you are already feeling a little 'tenderised' and then you read something or watch something on TV and HELLO the flood-gates have opened again...! And God seems to use these moments to do a little work on the heart/confidence/fears/trust etc.
Well this is how it was when I was reading the story tonight with Luca. Good one Max Lucado.
Here are a few excerpts that were particularly difficult to read with an involuntarily constricting throat:

"Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench.
'Hmm,' the Maker spoke thoughtfully as he looked at the grey dots.
'Looks like you've been given some bad marks.'
'I didn't mean to Eli. I really tried hard.'
'Oh you don't have to defend yourself to me child....
What they think doesn't matter.... All that matters is what I think.
And I think you are very special.'
Punchinello laughed, 'Me, special? Why?
I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling.
Why do I matter to you?'
Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders and spoke very slowly,
'Because you are mine. That's why you matter to me.' "

I love it how I have been able to take comfort in these simple words written in a children's storybook. 
Simple yet powerful truths: God cares about me. I don't have to defend myself to him. He knows me. He created me. He loves me.

Once I had finished reading the story Luca took the book and said "Luca read it?"
And so, page by page he retold the story to me in his own Luca-Language way. When he got to the last few pages he looks up at me with a big grin and says, "You are very special".
And on the last page, "I love you too much!"

My heart is well and truly tenderised.


  1. That book is so precious - and I love it how God speaks to us through children's books/dvd's.

    Yay for order in pizza.

    All my love - you are so precious.

  2. lots of virtual hugs, I get very emotional when I'm pregnant too, bloody hormones!! Hope that the nasty pnd stays well away from you. x

  3. There is nothing like the release of a good cry. I always find I don't realise how much i have been holding it together until something small like that happens and the crying goes on much longer than you thought was really needed.

    I am so thankful that you could find some peace in it all and let God hold your hand and heart. Praying that you get some rest soon.

    Psalm 57 says:
    "Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in You my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shelter of Your wings until disaster has passed.
    I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfils [His purpose] for me."


  4. Hi! Lovely reading along with previous posts, 'getting to know' you and suddenly nearly fell off my chair as I saw a certain couple (M&S) with you on your travels. Could it be that we have other mutual friends - could you be one I have heard so much about from my sweet girlie pals, Smith and Bardsley? Hope its you... or this comment is going to look VERY weird :) Nice to 'meet' you anyway :) xx Amy

  5. Okay, you totally made ME cry too. lol Nothing wrong with having a good cry every now and's totally carthatic. And hurrah for order-in pizza and good books (even if they are aimed at children).

    And try not to worry about the future. I do it too, but it's not in our hands. He has a perfect plan for you...and even when it doesn't feel like it, you are totally rocking what He has given you so far.

  6. hello lovely you.
    loved reading your post, yip am crying myself.
    Feeling your heart in the midst of all this stuff. Love to you Brigette, keep sharing those tears and thoughts, offering them to HIM, So glad you are real and want to order KFC, loving that!
    You are precious indeed. Sarah

  7. Awww, I just came across your beautiful blog via KMB and sending you a great big virtual hug from an expat Mum (from the UK) living in NZ. I so know how you feel to be far away. I struggled in the early years of parenting - when at home with a newborn and a toddler. I'm 7 year's into the game now and feel a lot better - but of course have my moments. We all do and it's okay. You write beautifully and blogging is such a great release from the day to day. I also find it wonderful to look back on. All the best x


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