Oh this Mamma's heart of mine

It is crucial that when our children look into our eyes, regardless of the circumstances they are facing, 
what they see is somebody that believes in them

~Lovingonpurpose.com~

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Sometimes being a mamma and loving your children just hurts.

There are days I want to wrap them in my mother-hen arms and protect them from experiences of the world - from dealing with friendships at school to the spelling tests and maths equations that are just that little bit too hard, thus creating in them a feeling of failure.

There are days I want to keep them home and snuggle under a duvet with them on the couch and watch children's movies all day.
To protect them in my 'safe' bubble, so hurt cannot reach them.

My Mamma Heart hurts when others choose not to see that same amazing potential and uniqueness, that same clever and special brain in my child that I do.

It hurts when there is seemingly no effort made to understand or see the reasons behind my child's reactions.

It is a hard thing to see past all this and 'not care' what others think.
I keep thinking "If only they knew" and "They have no idea what is really happening here" - what is actually going on behind this display of emotion from my seemingly out-of-control child.

So I am slowly learning to 'not care' and just 'carry on'.
I am learning not to be the one to judge other parents when I witness similar displays of emotion from their child.
I don't know their circumstances.
I don't know their reasons behind the reactions.

The past year and a bit has been.... interesting.
With more challenges than I generally like in order to feel comfortable.

Struggles with behavioural issues from Luca have led us to seek professional advice and, as a result, he has been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder).

ADHD is a very common neurological condition and so there is very helpful information aplenty. But the more I learn about it, the more I feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day of this condition.

And what breaks my heart the most is seeing the pain, fear and confusion in Luca's eyes when he's reacting to situations he feels overwhelmed by, resulting in him feeling out-of-control.
The whole 'thinking before you act' scenario does not apply with ADHD. And the consequences of these 'impulsive reactions' are rarely pleasant.

It's usually after school when he's tired and hungry (cos he's a boy, and boys are always hungry!) that the impulsive reactions come out to play, often putting on quite a display for the general public.

My mamma friends who are aware of our situation are always super supportive and help with my other 2 boys where they can in amongst their own kids, but so often I end up feeling like I am 'that mother' whose child is naughty and clearly out-of-control. Tutt-Tutt.
And there have been days when I want to drop everything and run crying to the school office and let all the office ladies know that I can't handle this anymore and would somebody please do something with my children!

More often than not it's Austin who gets that phone call at work with a distraught wife on the other end of the phone saying she can't handle it anymore and "would you please do something with your children!".... Poor Austin.

At the end of school on Friday, Luca came speed walking towards me and buried his face in my chest and cried his little heart out.

And my heart broke into a thousand pieces for the millionth time since having kids.

There in the middle of the playground he sobbed and sobbed, smearing my top with his tears, snot and saliva. So I just held him. For moments that turned into minutes, I just let him cry - and inside I was sobbing too and wanting so desperately to fix his world.
He didn't talk about it until later that evening around the dinner table when, chin quivering, he said he felt lonely all day because nobody wanted to play with him.
Well, the urge to round up his school friends and give them a good ol' talking-to was nearly overwhelming.
But that wouldn't have solved any problems.
But I wanted so desperately to fix him and make it all better.

The best thing for Luca was for us to listen, to comfort, to hug and to kiss.
We ended up having a wonderful time of cuddles, kisses, talking, listening with all the boys around the dinner table that night.
As it stands, I don't know how to fix him, only love him and believe in him. Because I see the potential, the uniqueness, the strength, the sweet and kindhearted boy that he is, with a super clever brain.
I know the reasons behind his reactions and this just makes me love him more.

He's such a dear and precious wee soul.

Austin and I get so frustrated and need a lot of grace with him on a daily basis, but we just need to take that chill-pill, a deep breath and a glass of wine, and remember that tomorrow is a new day...

There's nothing quite like going into the boy's room at night when lights are out and they're all softly snuffling away. It is then I can reflect properly - not on the day just been and all it's bumps and falls, battles lost and won, but on the precious lives in that one room with it's floor scattered with lego, toy cars and dirty socks.

Our journey with Luca and ADHD is only just beginning, but I'm confidently praying that time will make us stronger and wiser, that we will be drawn closer together as a family, and that my Mamma Heart will remain forever soft and mushy :)

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The Week That Was

Every morning of the week I am brought one of these in bed by my amazing husband.

He would have already been up for at least half an hour, feeding the boys their breakfast while I remain under the comfort of the covers giving the ever-hungry-baby his milk.

Look at that face. 

Does that look like the face of a baby who would be mean enough to wake his mamma every 2 hours for a feed during the night? Well it is. 

Unbelievable I know.

The wee munchkin.

Fortunately he is very cute and I love him more than life.

I can't believe it's been 7 days since I posted, it only feels like a couple of days - this week has gone by so fast! 

There have been a few evenings where I've been editing photos for my blog but then I find myself falling asleep at the computer.

And so it is Sunday again, ready for a re-cap of the week.

I don't usually bid for items on ebay - I've only ever bought a coffee grinder for Austin when he turned 30.

But this week I bid on a brico trainset for the boys - they've only ever had a few pieces - so I wanted them to have bridges and tunnels also. 

So I placed a bid. And I won. Easy-peasy. 

8 quid thanks very much.

Hours of fun right there. Except for when Beni's big nappy bum keeps knocking the bridges over as he manoeuvres the cars/trucks/trains/helicopters over the tracks.

Yesterday was my 'long run' day for my marathon training, even though it was only 7 mile cos I'm just at the start of the training schedule.

So I set out after breakfast and coffee {without any children!} for an easy run around Richmond Park.

Favourite song for tackling hills: Linkin Park & Jay-Z - 99 Problems
You gotta have a bit of agro if you want to run up hard hills. Fact.
And this song has it. Love it. (please excuse the f-bombs though...)

SUCH a beautiful run through the Autumn leaves. I certainly don't take it for granted that I've got this beautiful park within walking distance. Everyone is always happy when they are out walking/running/cycling through this park. You can't help but smile. Even when my lungs feel like they're on fire.

Just when I was finishing my run I was getting ready to walk it home and looked up to see Austin and the boys coming down the street towards me - awwwwwww, such a lovely sight to see! So we headed back into the park to climb some trees and watch dogs fetch sticks in the river.

That is one hot sweaty mamma, but my boys still loved their sweaty cuddles and kisses.

Now that Max is well and truly on solids at his massive 5 month of age... feeding time is always messy and the little bibs around his neck just weren't cutting it.

So I headed out in search of a full-body bib. I knew Poundland (where everything is a pound, funnily enough) would have the goods. And they did. But only in pink.
And knowing boys don't appreciate pink flowers and butterflies, I 'pimped' the bib to make it a Pirate bib.
Be it a pink one.

One thing I have found particularly delightful recently is finding Luca and Beni reading our Family Atlas.
This totally brings back memories of seeing my brother do exactly the same thing. He would spend hours on the floor reading maps and atlases. I love it.
Having a brother has definitely been beneficial in helping me understand my little guys that much more.
And it makes me miss him that much more.
(Love you Ephraim XX)

Hope you are having a Happy Weekend and finding joy even in the small, simple things.

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A Farmer's Market

I do believe we have found our new favourite thing to do on a clear, crisp winter Saturday and that's go to the Farmer's Market in Barnes. It is an easy 30 minute stroll to get there, but when there's so many photo opportunities and trees to climb on the way there, no-one's complaining about it!

As far as Farmer's Markets go there wasn't a great amount of things on offer, but there's just something cool about being in that environment, people all rugged-up from the cold, coffee in hand, eating a bacon sandwich. As one does when one is at a Farmer's Market.

Directly opposite where the market's situated is a duck pond, so we grabbed a coffee and took the boys over to check out what was happening in ducksville.

On the way home I was struck by the thought. "This has actually been a perfect Family day!".
Sun shining, well-behaved (most of the time) boys, everyone was happy and it was a bizarre yet wonderful feeling!

*Beni's process of saying "Cheeeeeeeeeeese" for the camera...*

May we have many more days like this leading up to and throughout the long Winter months ahead.

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This is what I do

I often wonder if what I consider to be normal about my life is, actually, a little bit on the crazy side.

I'm not one to be particularly concerned or bothered about other people's opinions, but I do quite often notice looks that are lingering with a sympathetic half-smile as I pass them by and go about my life and busy-ness as a Mamma of 3 active boys.

Lately, once I've dropped Luca off at school in the mornings, I've been taking Beni and Max out running in the stroller.

At this stage in my fitness, while pushing 20 kg worth of children + a 12 kg buggy, my aim is to run to the top of 'The Hill From Hell' in Richmond Park and back again which - there and back - is a 4 mile (6.5 km) run.
The view at the top of the hill is reward in itself let alone the opportunity to catch my breath.

I'm working {reasonably} hard at getting my fitness and body back again through running (I say this as I sit eating chocolate while I type) and although it would be so much easier to lug only my own body weight around the park, this is just how it is at the moment.
This is what I do.
I run up hills pushing my babes, singing songs, pointing out dogs and squirrels as entertainment and dishing out snacks as bribery to stay put.

And if you see dampness on my top around the nipple area, it's not sweat, it will be leaking milk.
This is what I do.
I am a nursing mamma who runs.
But don't worry because my babe is clearly thriving.

Come 15:10 I can be found collecting Luca from school amidst the choas of a million and one strollers, children and parents.
Of course this is when Beni INSISTS that he wants to be a big boy and clambers out of the buggy then manages to rapidly weave his way through the crowds towards the road and I can't keep up with him or chase after him because I can't get my own buggy past all the other parents with prams and children on the loose.
And of course he doesn't respond or come back when I call.
Every. Single. Day.
This is what I do.
I am the parent who is constantly calling out for her boys to "Don't touch that it's dirty", "don't eat that you'll get sick", "Come back please and hold my hand", "stay away from the road", "take your finger out of your nose", "don't you dare eat it that's disgusting!" etc.

And today was not dissimilar.
Toddler on the loose.
Toddler falls over and whacks his forehead on the pavement.
Toddler starts screaming (which is understandable).
Concerned parents close at hand pick him up and look around for whose child this is.
Mamma manages to weave her way through the prams and people to her screaming son while she calls out to her oldest son (who is somewhere up ahead doing who-knows-what and eating who-knows-what) to please stop and wait because Beni's hurt himself.
Another mamma-friend conveniently walks by and offers to push the buggy while I am carrying Beni, who is still screaming and now has a big egg on his forehead.

We manage to locate Luca who is waiting (good boy) and eating his afternoon snack of peanuts but then another child pushes past him and he drops some peanuts and so of course this brings on the tears with loud wailing and gnashing of the teeth.
Then I look down at Max in the buggy and see that he has vomited all over himself.
And I think to myself "This is awesome"


But you know what?
This is what I do.
I'm a Mamma of 3 boys doing the best she can to raise her children to be happy and healthy.

There will be bumps and falls and tears and snot and vomit and tantrums, but that's just life.
It's a little bit on the crazy side, but I'm learning to be cool with that.

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Granny & Pop: the coolest in-laws ever!

This is a post I've been meaning to write since the end of June, but you know how it is with being a new mum... you are highly emotional and so have been avoiding it!

Living on the other side of the world from our parents has been a big deal for Austin and I. We have been in London for nearly 10 years now and have had our 3 children over here.
It's hard enough being away from family when you're single or with just you and your spouse, but when there's children involved, that's a whole new level.

Austin's parents (Granny & Pop) made the trip from New Zealand to London in May this year, just in time for the arrival of baby Massimiliano (Max).
They stayed for a whole 5 weeks and just LAVISHED their grandchildren with love and affection and presents.

Whenever I mentioned it in conversation to random people that my in-laws were coming to stay for 5 weeks when the baby is born, I was surprised at so many of the reactions. Obviously not sure whether having the in-laws to stay for 5 weeks was a good idea, they would ask if I'm okay with that...?
Well, they obviously have bad in-law experiences and have never met my in-laws!

If ever I have met two simply wonderful people, it is my in-laws {I really dislike the term "in-laws" so I'm now going to refer to them as J&D ok? Good}.

When I married Austin I married into the COOLEST family around. Honest and Truly.
A pretty crazy and fun-loving mum and dad team who have four crazy and fun-loving sons of their own. So they've done the distance and survived! I like to keep reminding myself of this fact......

So I had absolutely no qualms at all about having J&D stay with us for 5 weeks, living in close quarters, them sleeping on our fold-out couch. We had been looking forward to having them stay for so long. Simply craving being around our parents again, spending quality time with them, seeing them be grandparents to their grandchildren.

And that's exactly how it was.
With the ease that comes from being around people you love and spending time with them - no need to fill silences, just being together and doing the every day together again was just so wonderful.

I actually put on weight after having Max because I was being fed up so well, looked after, waited upon and having every need met without having to lift a finger. BLISS!
{apart from the whole putting on weight thing. That was nicht so gut...}

Baking With Granny.

It was almost painful watching our children interact with and love and adore their grandparents because I knew it must come to an end when they were to leave. But maybe because of the fact it was a limited amount of time made us all the more determined to make the most of the time and moments given.

Whereas the grandparent/grandchild relationship could easily be taken for granted if it was an everyday occurrence, this way it was 5 weeks of quality time.

Story Time with Pop.

Such wonderful memories were created.
Unbreakable bonds between grandson and grandparent were formed.

Granny & Pop,
Thank you for coming all the way over to London to see us and spend time with us.
Thank you for your generosity and selfless giving. We have all been so blessed by you.
We are sorry we can't live closer to you at the moment, but thank you for understanding.
Even though we live so far from each other, you are never far from our thoughts and conversations.
We love you very much XXxxx

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