Oh this Mamma's heart of mine

It is crucial that when our children look into our eyes, regardless of the circumstances they are facing, 
what they see is somebody that believes in them

~Lovingonpurpose.com~

::

Sometimes being a mamma and loving your children just hurts.

There are days I want to wrap them in my mother-hen arms and protect them from experiences of the world - from dealing with friendships at school to the spelling tests and maths equations that are just that little bit too hard, thus creating in them a feeling of failure.

There are days I want to keep them home and snuggle under a duvet with them on the couch and watch children's movies all day.
To protect them in my 'safe' bubble, so hurt cannot reach them.

My Mamma Heart hurts when others choose not to see that same amazing potential and uniqueness, that same clever and special brain in my child that I do.

It hurts when there is seemingly no effort made to understand or see the reasons behind my child's reactions.

It is a hard thing to see past all this and 'not care' what others think.
I keep thinking "If only they knew" and "They have no idea what is really happening here" - what is actually going on behind this display of emotion from my seemingly out-of-control child.

So I am slowly learning to 'not care' and just 'carry on'.
I am learning not to be the one to judge other parents when I witness similar displays of emotion from their child.
I don't know their circumstances.
I don't know their reasons behind the reactions.

The past year and a bit has been.... interesting.
With more challenges than I generally like in order to feel comfortable.

Struggles with behavioural issues from Luca have led us to seek professional advice and, as a result, he has been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder).

ADHD is a very common neurological condition and so there is very helpful information aplenty. But the more I learn about it, the more I feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day of this condition.

And what breaks my heart the most is seeing the pain, fear and confusion in Luca's eyes when he's reacting to situations he feels overwhelmed by, resulting in him feeling out-of-control.
The whole 'thinking before you act' scenario does not apply with ADHD. And the consequences of these 'impulsive reactions' are rarely pleasant.

It's usually after school when he's tired and hungry (cos he's a boy, and boys are always hungry!) that the impulsive reactions come out to play, often putting on quite a display for the general public.

My mamma friends who are aware of our situation are always super supportive and help with my other 2 boys where they can in amongst their own kids, but so often I end up feeling like I am 'that mother' whose child is naughty and clearly out-of-control. Tutt-Tutt.
And there have been days when I want to drop everything and run crying to the school office and let all the office ladies know that I can't handle this anymore and would somebody please do something with my children!

More often than not it's Austin who gets that phone call at work with a distraught wife on the other end of the phone saying she can't handle it anymore and "would you please do something with your children!".... Poor Austin.

At the end of school on Friday, Luca came speed walking towards me and buried his face in my chest and cried his little heart out.

And my heart broke into a thousand pieces for the millionth time since having kids.

There in the middle of the playground he sobbed and sobbed, smearing my top with his tears, snot and saliva. So I just held him. For moments that turned into minutes, I just let him cry - and inside I was sobbing too and wanting so desperately to fix his world.
He didn't talk about it until later that evening around the dinner table when, chin quivering, he said he felt lonely all day because nobody wanted to play with him.
Well, the urge to round up his school friends and give them a good ol' talking-to was nearly overwhelming.
But that wouldn't have solved any problems.
But I wanted so desperately to fix him and make it all better.

The best thing for Luca was for us to listen, to comfort, to hug and to kiss.
We ended up having a wonderful time of cuddles, kisses, talking, listening with all the boys around the dinner table that night.
As it stands, I don't know how to fix him, only love him and believe in him. Because I see the potential, the uniqueness, the strength, the sweet and kindhearted boy that he is, with a super clever brain.
I know the reasons behind his reactions and this just makes me love him more.

He's such a dear and precious wee soul.

Austin and I get so frustrated and need a lot of grace with him on a daily basis, but we just need to take that chill-pill, a deep breath and a glass of wine, and remember that tomorrow is a new day...

There's nothing quite like going into the boy's room at night when lights are out and they're all softly snuffling away. It is then I can reflect properly - not on the day just been and all it's bumps and falls, battles lost and won, but on the precious lives in that one room with it's floor scattered with lego, toy cars and dirty socks.

Our journey with Luca and ADHD is only just beginning, but I'm confidently praying that time will make us stronger and wiser, that we will be drawn closer together as a family, and that my Mamma Heart will remain forever soft and mushy :)

::

Tuckered Out

This week has been Luca's first week of full days at school.
Up until now he has only been doing half days (mornings). So now he's doing 'Big Boy' school.
Yes he is only four but that's how it rolls over here in Great Britain.

That also means we have been introduced to the world of School Lunches. Hoorah!...

Luca absolutely thrives at school. He loves the interaction with other children and the feeling of independence.
But unfortunately this leaves him WASTED by the time I pick him up just after 3pm.

I've tried taking him and Beni to the playground on our way home from school while we kill time before dinner, but he just ends up losing the plot.
Throwing all his toys out of the cot.
Having a meltdown.

And so I've resorted to putting on a DVD for him {and his brothers} to chill out to, where he doesn't have to use any more brain power.

The only problem with this is that, more often than not, I walk back into the room only to find him asleep on the couch.
Tuckered out.

He'll sleep for about an hour and a half then wake for his dinner, bath, book and then straight back to bed again.

This 'Big Boy' stuff is exhausting - bless him!

:::

Concerning Mothering

I think I do a pretty good job at being a mamma.
I'm trying the very best I can.

If you were to witness me 'mothering' at home you would indeed witness moments of raised voices, tears and "time-out".
F-bombs being dropped in my head {just being honest!}
But you would also see many moments of laughter, fun, peace and contentment.

I had a skype call with my mum the other day (who happens to be a Play Therapist), desperate to glean some advice from her in certain areas of parenting I feel out of my depth in.
Namely dealing with and understanding reasons for public tantrums from an incredibly independent four year old.

Luca was picking at some chewing gum on the pavement. Awesome.

Along with some great encouragement and advice, apparently the underlying reasons are because he's craving my attention and misses me.

The problem with these tantrums happening out in public is that people don't see the reasons for the tantrum, they just see the "naughty little boy". Or they see the mother seemingly ignore her screaming child and walk away. {this tactic works about 92% of the time}.

I've had a week full of encounters with the general public regarding my children and their behaviour.
Some encounters have been good and kind, while others have been not-so-good and even downright rude.

I had a man in a van toot and point his finger at me in admonishment as I stood waiting, with a buggy full of children and groceries, 10 meters further up the street from Luca who was sitting on the pavement and refusing to move.

When Luca has some 'pavement time' I have passers-by tell me my child is sitting on the pavement...
Yes. Indeed.

About 1 minute after Luca's discovery of the 30 year old chewing gum on the pavement, my absolute disgust of him picking at it and the subsequent screaming that followed when I physically removed him from it, an old lady had gained on us and started pointing at us with her walking stick while obviously giving us a piece of her mind. Fortunately I couldn't hear her but Luca obviously caught some of it and his face darkened, eyebrows furrowed and bottom lip came out. We carried on walking and Luca kept on turning around and scowling at the old lady while she continued to pursue us with her opinion.
I was ready to turn around and have-a-wee-chat but fortunately we were now late for a doctor's appointment so we kept on moving.

And then there's the kind lady who, while in a cafe, offered to hold my crying, hungry baby while I got the other two boys settled eating their lunch so I could then feed Max.

Then there was the lady who, upon seeing Luca run out the door of the same cafe in search of a toilet even though I was asking him to please wait, and I was unable to pursue because I was feeding Max and couldn't leave Beni, offered to help take him to the toilet saying "It's okay, I've had kids of my own, I know how it is".

Yesterday between the hours of 10am-3pm I had THREE people tell me "You've got your hands full!".
Bless them.
I will be the first to agree that, yes I have my hands full, but actually it isn't a bad thing.
Having my hands full with the busy-ness of raising my children is, in fact, a blessing, a privilege and an honour.

To be the parent who gets to stay at home with these little guys and spend my days with them is a privilege beyond words. I don't take this for granted. No way.
Sure we've had to take a big reduction in our household income and try to survive on a shoestring budget. And we are. Just.
Our children are our priority and Austin and I both agree that this is the right thing for us to do.
We are pleased with this decision, even though financially it's a struggle.

I'm learning to be more confident in my role as a mother, be it at home or out in public.
I'm learning the importance of having 'special time' with each of my boys on a regular basis.
I know that my boys are fortunate to have me as their mother.
I can't be perfect for them and I will never put this expectation on myself.
But I do expect myself to do my very best and I know, with God's help and wisdom, these boys of ours will be raised to be strong, confident, caring, Godly men.

:::

Caught on Camera

Through the double doors that lead out onto our balcony I could hear the familiar laughter and squeals of delight coming from outside.
The grass was freshly mown this morning.
And where there is freshly mown grass, there is the opportunity for grass fights.

:::

Joining in with Life Made Lovely Monday.

A Birthday

On the weekend we celebrated a birthday.

Luca TJ - our first born - is FOUR!
Crazy. Wasn't it just a short time ago that I was pushing him (quickly) out in the hospital on that sunny Tuesday morning?

He was treated to presents opened in the morning on Mamma & Papa's bed.

We had a special 'family' party in the afternoon at our friend's house. Unfortunately on the way there we got caught out by the rain... This meant Luca and Beni had no option but to wear the only dry clothes available in their sizes - girls clothes.

I spent the night before making a pirate cake for him. He chose it especially from a cake book for me to make for him. It's kinda crazy that the pirate cake also ended up being 'pink' themed... only cos I put a bit too much red food colouring into the icing... But we decided he was a true English pirate with fair English skin, therefore he was a sunburnt pirate.
Anyway, Luca enjoyed watching him burn and spark.

Which is on the other extreme to his 1st birthday when I brought out his lion cake adorned with a single candle - he cried when he saw the lion was on fire.

You can imagine our delight when Aunty Gretchie presented Luca with a PIRATE OUTFIT as his present! We didn't hesitate to get the pink minnie-mouse t-shirt off him and make him into "Luca TJ Pirate" (as he so named himself).

He wore the Pirate Costume to bed that night, he loved it that much.

The many faces of the Birthday boy:

And just because he looked pretty darn cute, here's what Beni would look like if he were a girl:

I love the dribble patch, dirty knees and his belly sticking out from the bottom of the t-shirt.

We're having a proper PIRATE birthday party for Luca in a couple of weekend's time so his Pirate Costume can have another grand outing.
Exciting {but tiring} times.

On another note, incase you were wondering, we're all good, safe and sound after the riots in London earlier in the week. It seems everything has calmed down again now, most probably due to an increased Police presence on the streets and the fact community members were banding together to protect their properties and community from the young hooligans (that's such a great word) who were creating so much senseless damage to our beautiful London. Go Neighbourhood Power!

Miss you

Learning to juggle three children and meeting their needs is proving to be a challenge.

I'm aware of an increasing desire to devote TIME to each of them, making sure they KNOW they are loved and adored by me, even though there are other siblings who demand my attention when they may be wanting it also.




At the end of a run today I was piggy-backing Luca up the hill.
"I miss you Mamma" he said quietly, holding tightly with arms around my neck.

I think it's time for a Luca Date.

:::

The Discovery

Luca has discovered Photo Booth on my laptop.
Hours of entertainment I tell you!

And my favourite...

He's a crazy kid. Don't know where he gets it from...

Little Rockers

They can't help it.
It's in their blood.

I'm always rather impressed how the alphabet and twinkle twinkle little star can be made into a rap.
Although I do wonder about where Luca gets his singing style from...
I love the vein popping out in his neck - now that's called singing with passion!

Is it too early to start guitar, drum, trumpet, piano and vocal lessons??...

Luca took his microphone to church yesterday and Beni his guitar. Needless to say they were a hit, although Luca got a little shy and clung to mamma while singing but Beni rocked it out in the aisles.

I think I'm gonna enjoy breeding Little Rockers.

Joining the party over at Life Made Lovely

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My Creative Space

Luca needed some tracksuit bottoms to wear when he got home from school as his other 2 pairs were in the washing pile, yet to be done...

And so emerged the Bruce Springsteen tracksuit bottoms refashioned from a Brucie tour t-shirt.

You may recall the Brucie tour t-shirt downsized to a top for Beni-Boo here - so here's the tracksuit bottoms version:

I'm not sure if I like them or not, but - you know Luca - he rocks them anyway (even with a "clashing" Lightning McQueen t-shirt on).
He thinks they're cool cos his mamma made them for him.
Bless his dear wee heart.

Joining in with My Creative Space at Kootoyoo