Oh this Mamma's heart of mine

It is crucial that when our children look into our eyes, regardless of the circumstances they are facing, 
what they see is somebody that believes in them

~Lovingonpurpose.com~

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Sometimes being a mamma and loving your children just hurts.

There are days I want to wrap them in my mother-hen arms and protect them from experiences of the world - from dealing with friendships at school to the spelling tests and maths equations that are just that little bit too hard, thus creating in them a feeling of failure.

There are days I want to keep them home and snuggle under a duvet with them on the couch and watch children's movies all day.
To protect them in my 'safe' bubble, so hurt cannot reach them.

My Mamma Heart hurts when others choose not to see that same amazing potential and uniqueness, that same clever and special brain in my child that I do.

It hurts when there is seemingly no effort made to understand or see the reasons behind my child's reactions.

It is a hard thing to see past all this and 'not care' what others think.
I keep thinking "If only they knew" and "They have no idea what is really happening here" - what is actually going on behind this display of emotion from my seemingly out-of-control child.

So I am slowly learning to 'not care' and just 'carry on'.
I am learning not to be the one to judge other parents when I witness similar displays of emotion from their child.
I don't know their circumstances.
I don't know their reasons behind the reactions.

The past year and a bit has been.... interesting.
With more challenges than I generally like in order to feel comfortable.

Struggles with behavioural issues from Luca have led us to seek professional advice and, as a result, he has been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder).

ADHD is a very common neurological condition and so there is very helpful information aplenty. But the more I learn about it, the more I feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day of this condition.

And what breaks my heart the most is seeing the pain, fear and confusion in Luca's eyes when he's reacting to situations he feels overwhelmed by, resulting in him feeling out-of-control.
The whole 'thinking before you act' scenario does not apply with ADHD. And the consequences of these 'impulsive reactions' are rarely pleasant.

It's usually after school when he's tired and hungry (cos he's a boy, and boys are always hungry!) that the impulsive reactions come out to play, often putting on quite a display for the general public.

My mamma friends who are aware of our situation are always super supportive and help with my other 2 boys where they can in amongst their own kids, but so often I end up feeling like I am 'that mother' whose child is naughty and clearly out-of-control. Tutt-Tutt.
And there have been days when I want to drop everything and run crying to the school office and let all the office ladies know that I can't handle this anymore and would somebody please do something with my children!

More often than not it's Austin who gets that phone call at work with a distraught wife on the other end of the phone saying she can't handle it anymore and "would you please do something with your children!".... Poor Austin.

At the end of school on Friday, Luca came speed walking towards me and buried his face in my chest and cried his little heart out.

And my heart broke into a thousand pieces for the millionth time since having kids.

There in the middle of the playground he sobbed and sobbed, smearing my top with his tears, snot and saliva. So I just held him. For moments that turned into minutes, I just let him cry - and inside I was sobbing too and wanting so desperately to fix his world.
He didn't talk about it until later that evening around the dinner table when, chin quivering, he said he felt lonely all day because nobody wanted to play with him.
Well, the urge to round up his school friends and give them a good ol' talking-to was nearly overwhelming.
But that wouldn't have solved any problems.
But I wanted so desperately to fix him and make it all better.

The best thing for Luca was for us to listen, to comfort, to hug and to kiss.
We ended up having a wonderful time of cuddles, kisses, talking, listening with all the boys around the dinner table that night.
As it stands, I don't know how to fix him, only love him and believe in him. Because I see the potential, the uniqueness, the strength, the sweet and kindhearted boy that he is, with a super clever brain.
I know the reasons behind his reactions and this just makes me love him more.

He's such a dear and precious wee soul.

Austin and I get so frustrated and need a lot of grace with him on a daily basis, but we just need to take that chill-pill, a deep breath and a glass of wine, and remember that tomorrow is a new day...

There's nothing quite like going into the boy's room at night when lights are out and they're all softly snuffling away. It is then I can reflect properly - not on the day just been and all it's bumps and falls, battles lost and won, but on the precious lives in that one room with it's floor scattered with lego, toy cars and dirty socks.

Our journey with Luca and ADHD is only just beginning, but I'm confidently praying that time will make us stronger and wiser, that we will be drawn closer together as a family, and that my Mamma Heart will remain forever soft and mushy :)

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Household Happenings

I was supposed to do this post for yesterday, for Friday "Lovings" but fell asleep last night before I could even start writing...

So now the children are in bed {all before 8pm - yesss} but oh me oh my what a mission.

Tonight I totally felt like I was going to lose the plot with the boys.

Luca, poor wee guy, has got a tummy bug and has been destroying the toilet all day.

I hate dealing with poos in general so I was not at all pleased to be dealing with his explosiveness...

Beni, now that he is in a Big Boy Bed seems to think it's a game to be put to bed, told very firmly to stay there and then for him to get out of bed, walk right up to us and wait for us to growl at him.

Then he runs off squealing with delight as we pursue him back to his bed *exasperated sigh*

It's just felt like a real battle tonight and probably heightened by the fact I am so tired and eager for them to all be in bed asleep... and my boobs are leaking everywhere because Max seems to be not-so-interested in them anymore. Hmph.

But all is now quiet, we have a nice chilled glass of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc and Austin has just confirmed that, yes indeed, we have three boys out for the count. Phew!

Anyway... I wanted to share some of the Happenings in our Household this week.

:::

Luca is cracking us up with some of the things he's been saying lately.

Quite randomly the other day while eating pasta for dinner he says "Mamma, when you spew up your pasta on yourself you will get told off."

"...ah, what was that?" I replied, not quite sure I was hearing correctly.

"When you spill your pasta on the floor you give a bad, bad message."

"Right..." What are they teaching him at school??...

Random indeed.

We awoke this morning to Luca coming into our room and declaring "We will go to the shop and we will buy a phone for me so I can play Angry Birds." Oh. dear.

Have you ever played the mobile phone app of Angry Birds? If not, don't do it!!

It's terribly addictive.

But Luca has become a true genius at it.

He constantly gets three stars (the highest) and smashes Austin's previous high scores out of the park.

Austin is constantly being humiliated and humbled by Luca's uncanny skills with this game.

We are in the middle of a heatwave.

In the middle of Autumn.

It's awesome!

All the boys are baring their torsos.

Like their father they love having their shirts off.

And I'm so fine with that.

Especially when they are as delicious as this.

Now I may be a little slow on the uptake.

I'm sure this is not a lightbulb idea for anyone other than me (!)

Austin and I, due to our extremely tight budget at the moment, have come up with a bi-weekly menu for our dinners during the week and weekends so that when we shop we are only shopping specifically for exact items and quantities needed according to our menu.

And I do believe it's working!

I'm quite excited about this because I am a lists and routine girl and this makes me very happy.

My days feel more manageable because I don't have to think "What shall we have for dinner?" or "What have we got in the cupboards that I can rustle a meal together with?"

I love having that already decided for me.

We like to get our groceries delivered.

This saves us much time and effort - online grocery shopping is from the Lord I tell you!

The funny thing is our boys get so excited about the fact that the 'Asda Man' is here.

They enthusiastically get right in there taking receipt of the bags of groceries handed to them at the door and take great delight in unpacking them and discovering the exciting things we have bought.

Loving the Brother Love.

I often walk into the room where Max is sleeping to find he's been 'gifted' some cars by his brothers.

You have to remember that cars are a commodity around here.

And they are not given away light-heartedly nor flippantly.

Can't believe this little man's on solids now - craziness!!

But he loves his food. Oh yes.

His eating and appreciating noises are really quite something.

I'm pleased to report I'm back out running.

For real.

Blisters on my feet and everything.

Check out these wicked sock marks. I thought I had suddenly got tanned legs but then realised it was just dust.

Loving children who can sleep anywhere.

Just give them their dummy and muslin cloth and together they work like an immediate sedative.

But this is what happens when the d&m are carelessly left lying around...

Proud big brother.

I'm loving watching the interaction between Luca and Max especially and watching the relationships between the three boys develop.

They are very proud and protective of their little guy Max.

...and he's pretty darn cute!

The multi-tasking Mamma.

Trying to convince one child to eat while balancing another on her lap.

When you bake cookies make sure you reward yourself with one fresh out of the oven with a nice strong cup of coffee in your favourite mug.

Heaven on Earth.

Friday's treat was a white & dark chocolate chip cookie still hot from the oven (I actually burnt my mouth on it) with a coffee in my favourite mug I got in Helsinki, Finland.

As you do.

Maybe I have a foot fetish

but I just can't seem to get enough of these little chubba bubba feet.

And don't even get me started on the chunky thighs...!

Deliciousness.

Totally.

Check em out.

This little guy rocks my world.

Posted especially for the grandparents to have a cry over...

Happy ROCKtober everyone! X

:::

Linking up here

Concerning Mothering

I think I do a pretty good job at being a mamma.
I'm trying the very best I can.

If you were to witness me 'mothering' at home you would indeed witness moments of raised voices, tears and "time-out".
F-bombs being dropped in my head {just being honest!}
But you would also see many moments of laughter, fun, peace and contentment.

I had a skype call with my mum the other day (who happens to be a Play Therapist), desperate to glean some advice from her in certain areas of parenting I feel out of my depth in.
Namely dealing with and understanding reasons for public tantrums from an incredibly independent four year old.

Luca was picking at some chewing gum on the pavement. Awesome.

Along with some great encouragement and advice, apparently the underlying reasons are because he's craving my attention and misses me.

The problem with these tantrums happening out in public is that people don't see the reasons for the tantrum, they just see the "naughty little boy". Or they see the mother seemingly ignore her screaming child and walk away. {this tactic works about 92% of the time}.

I've had a week full of encounters with the general public regarding my children and their behaviour.
Some encounters have been good and kind, while others have been not-so-good and even downright rude.

I had a man in a van toot and point his finger at me in admonishment as I stood waiting, with a buggy full of children and groceries, 10 meters further up the street from Luca who was sitting on the pavement and refusing to move.

When Luca has some 'pavement time' I have passers-by tell me my child is sitting on the pavement...
Yes. Indeed.

About 1 minute after Luca's discovery of the 30 year old chewing gum on the pavement, my absolute disgust of him picking at it and the subsequent screaming that followed when I physically removed him from it, an old lady had gained on us and started pointing at us with her walking stick while obviously giving us a piece of her mind. Fortunately I couldn't hear her but Luca obviously caught some of it and his face darkened, eyebrows furrowed and bottom lip came out. We carried on walking and Luca kept on turning around and scowling at the old lady while she continued to pursue us with her opinion.
I was ready to turn around and have-a-wee-chat but fortunately we were now late for a doctor's appointment so we kept on moving.

And then there's the kind lady who, while in a cafe, offered to hold my crying, hungry baby while I got the other two boys settled eating their lunch so I could then feed Max.

Then there was the lady who, upon seeing Luca run out the door of the same cafe in search of a toilet even though I was asking him to please wait, and I was unable to pursue because I was feeding Max and couldn't leave Beni, offered to help take him to the toilet saying "It's okay, I've had kids of my own, I know how it is".

Yesterday between the hours of 10am-3pm I had THREE people tell me "You've got your hands full!".
Bless them.
I will be the first to agree that, yes I have my hands full, but actually it isn't a bad thing.
Having my hands full with the busy-ness of raising my children is, in fact, a blessing, a privilege and an honour.

To be the parent who gets to stay at home with these little guys and spend my days with them is a privilege beyond words. I don't take this for granted. No way.
Sure we've had to take a big reduction in our household income and try to survive on a shoestring budget. And we are. Just.
Our children are our priority and Austin and I both agree that this is the right thing for us to do.
We are pleased with this decision, even though financially it's a struggle.

I'm learning to be more confident in my role as a mother, be it at home or out in public.
I'm learning the importance of having 'special time' with each of my boys on a regular basis.
I know that my boys are fortunate to have me as their mother.
I can't be perfect for them and I will never put this expectation on myself.
But I do expect myself to do my very best and I know, with God's help and wisdom, these boys of ours will be raised to be strong, confident, caring, Godly men.

:::

Miss you

Learning to juggle three children and meeting their needs is proving to be a challenge.

I'm aware of an increasing desire to devote TIME to each of them, making sure they KNOW they are loved and adored by me, even though there are other siblings who demand my attention when they may be wanting it also.




At the end of a run today I was piggy-backing Luca up the hill.
"I miss you Mamma" he said quietly, holding tightly with arms around my neck.

I think it's time for a Luca Date.

:::

These Moments

It was two weeks yesterday since we welcomed our dear wee man Max into the world.
Do I remember much of the past two weeks? Ah, nope.

But that's ok - it's a good thing my husband is quite diligent in taking photos when I don't remember to. It means I am able to look back on the day and weeks gone by and recall the moments we have shared together as a new family of five and with Granny and Pop during their stay with us.

Oh and there have been so many moments worth remembering.
And there have been just as many tantrums and challenges I wish I could forget.

Number One Son has taken to testing the boundaries. Again.
Why not hey?
I'm trusting this will all settle down in time - in the meantime we are just trying to keep our cool and understand what it is he is feeling about the new addition and the changes to his world that this brings.

Yesterday was a better day that's for sure.
Today.... not so good.

Oh well. A packet of peanut M&M's has just made me feel a whole lot better.

So now, here are some of the good moments we have had over the past two weeks.

:::

Summer Evening Picnics.

It's been hotting up here nicely so we made the most of a warm summer's evening and took a picnic downstairs. 

Baby Wearing

The pictures say it all.

London Sunsets
Always rather spectacular.

A Teeny Tiny Baby

With Teeny Tiny Feet

And Teeny Tiny Hands that he likes to put between Mamma's breasts when feeding...

Making Friends With Creation

Luca has become 'The Bug Whisperer'.

Going for big walks, even when it's raining...

Enjoying Pub Meals

(and laying out one's hot chips on one's beloved Muzzy while they cool down)

Juice in one hand + chips in the other = Heaven.

An outing to Richmond

We walked along the banks of the River Thames to Petersham Nurseries which is a garden centre with a cafe and restaurant.

Very classy.

Very English.

The perfect spot for cakes and tea.

One Tired But Happy Mamma

You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  

~Desmond Tutu