Getting Back My Groove

With a New Year comes an opportunity for change.

An opportunity to put a stake in the ground and say "There is no going back from this point." A choice to only move forward, no matter what comes our way.

Today I did just that.

2010 was pretty much a write-off as far as my relationship with God goes and I'm really sad to admit this, but hey, let's move on huh?

I could blame it on my struggle with PND and lacking all motivation - because most days the only prayer I could utter was "God, help me!"

But I don't want to list out all the excuses - I just want to move forwards now.

So while Beni was taking his morning nap I blew the dust off my bible (literally), sat in my favourite chair with a large cup of tea and put my 'stake in the ground'.

'Artistic' scribble on my bible page is c/o Luca aged 1 year. Not because I was angry :)

This is how it's going to be from now on.
No more excuses Brigitte.
I want growth on the inside, I want change and now is the time.
For myself and for the sake of my husband and my children I'm taking a new grip and strengthening my weary knees.
I'm marking out a straight path for my feet to walk.
Yep.
It's all good and I'm excited about all this year holds for me individually and for us as a family.

I'm so very thankful that God never stops loving, that his grace just goes on and on.
It blows my mind actually because I would be so frustrated at me by now if I was God!
Thankfully I'm not.

How about you? Are you marking out a new path this year? Wanting change? Let me know! I'd love to hear about it and encourage you along the way X

Discovering

It's 5pm and I'm only just getting round to doing the dishes from the night before.
Luca has put himself to sleep in his bed because "Luca a bit tired now". He is "a bit tired now" because he absolutely refused to have his nap earlier in the afternoon...
Beni is sitting in the highchair watching me do the dishes while munching on crackers.

As I do the dishes I reflect on the day with it's unforgettable as well as it's forgettable moments...
I think about how my blog is all about 'discovering the joys of motherhood' and I laugh.
A bone-weary, slightly incredulous laugh.
Not feeling the joy at the moment unfortunately. Sorry to be so blatantly honest, but this is just how life as a Stay At Home Mamma currently is for me.
Hard going.
I need to have eyes in the back of my head to keep an eye on Luca and make sure he's not balancing himself on Beni's head again.

This morning the sun came out after a day of rain yesterday. So in honour of the sun's morning light we ventured outside to 'discover'.
No other intentions in mind except to discover.
OK and I was also hoping Luca would drain off some of his energy while we were out.

And discover we did!

We discovered tiny little spiders webs in the grass that had misty droplets on them.
We discovered ant hills.

We discovered that when the sun shines through rain droplets on the grass they look like sugary crystals.

I discovered that Luca can now go very fast on his Thomas Bike...!

Luca discovered a cast-iron statue of an old man and young boy reading a book outside Queen Mary's Hospital (which is right next door to where we live).

Luca was saying "Hey boy, look at me!"

All the while Beni just sat happily in his pushchair and let time pass by.

Luca discovered that if he zooms off down the hill when Mamma says to go another way and then if he doesn't listen or respond to her calls, even if he stops to wait for a car before crossing the street, that Mamma will get very cross...

Luca discovered that Mamma knows a few choice words that made his ears bleed... Something about "Why the *&?@!$ did we ever decide to have $%@?!£ children??"

Luca discovered that if he throws a tantrum in the middle of the street that everybody stops and stares. Everybody except Mamma. She just keeps on walking.

It's all worth it in the end, right?

Motherhood.
Parenting.
Stay at Home Mamma.
It's been hard going.

I knew it would be hard.
I knew I would have to give up my selfish ways (darnnit).

I was hoping my house wouldn't look like a bombsite every day.
I was hoping to maybe be able to have sleep-ins every now and again.
I was hoping my bossoms might keep some of their youthful perkiness, even after breastfeeding 2 children...

Darn those expectations.
Darn them all to heck!

My place is a mess.
I'm seriously sleep-deprived.
My B-rests are definitely not youthful nor perky...

But my babies are currently napping at the same time this afternoon. Now that's a miracle in itself right there!

Earlier this week I spent the morning assembling Luca's new bunk beds that we got him for his birthday. Being the great mother that I am I bribed him with snacks and chidren's TV in order to keep him out of the room for the THREE HOURS it took me to make up the bunks.
But I did it.
All by myself.
I am Strong Woman.

He was very excited to see his new bunks with the Lightning McQueen duvet set, but of course he wanted to sleep on the top bunk but I said no and he said yes and I said no again and he said yes again. It all ended in tears but eventually he went to sleep on the bottom bunk.
I won.
That time.
And to cut a long story short he is now sleeping on the top bunk.

Beni, on the other hand, is happy wherever he is. He's just happy happy and thinks his brother is the coolest thing this side of the womb.

The other great thing about getting new stuff is the packaging! And with the delivery of the bunk beds came a rather large and long cardboard box which rapidly became a pirateship-come-carpark-building.

It also feels nice to sink your teeth into the cardboard.

My husband and I are very much not enjoying and so totally over playing battle-of-the-wills with our nearly 3-year old son.
It makes us feel incredibly frustrated.
It makes us feel like terrible parents because we seem to have an impossibly disobedient son.
Oh I know all about how he's going through a "stage" and is testing the boundaries etc etc. But DEAR GOD HELP!!
Please God, PLEASE when he turns 3 can he instantly move from the 'Terrible Two' category and be transformed into a well-behaved boy who listens to his parents and does as he is asked? We also need this to happen because he is absolutely doing our head in! Thanks.

My mum says to focus on the positive and ignore the negative...
What is there to be positive about when I find him in his room driving his cars through a pile of his own poo on the rug?
I'm pretty sure that is classed as a 'negative' but how can I ignore that?!?!

And to top it all off (I might as well just get it all out there) I'm a wreck.
I mean, just look at me!

I can't blame anything except for the hair-loss on the children but hey, I'm just needing a bit of sympathy ok?
Bells Palsy was a few years prior to having children but the residual effects are more obvious when I get tired and run-down. Dang blast it!
Ok actually I will blame the red-eye on the children because the infection is probably because of a poo particle... Not my own. Ooooooo I can hear your mind ticking back to the 'poo in the forest' episode when the deer jumped out at me but I assure you this is not because of that!

I have to admit that being a mother is the hardest job I have ever undertaken. And I have to admit there are days when I wonder why on God's good earth did I ever decide to have children. But I'm guessing (hoping!) I am not alone in this?

But you know what? When Luca comes up to me and randomly gives me a kiss or a hug, or like the other night when I had a dress on and he said "You look pretty in that dress mamma", or when he wakes up in the night and calls out for me and snuggles up in bed beside me with his face right next to mine...well. All the battles and frustrations just fly out the window and all that is left is a massive massive great canyon-worth amount of love for my Luca and my Beni - my beautiful boys.

I'm doing my best, trying my hardest to be the best mamma I can be.
I totally need God's help and strength in this but I know I've become a better, stronger, bigger person all because of these little people who I have so totally and completely fallen in love with.

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about ~Angela Schwindt

The funny side of life

Carry laughter with you wherever you go.  ~Hugh Sidey

I have learned it is good to look back and laugh at things/situations that happen in life that at the time have the potential to completely overwhelm me.

I have also learned it is good to blog about them so I am able to - maybe, just maybe - see the funny side of things.

There have been many of these moments already this week where I have just had to stand back and laugh at the situation - otherwise I would have cried.

Laughter and Tears. Two emotions that are so opposite from each other and yet, when the situation arises, they both rise up with equal ferocity hoping to be the one selected for the occasion.

As I said, it's been quite a week. And looking back it's probably not too much out of the ordinary (!) but in the heat of the moment I seemed to think the situation was going to totally do me in. I must admit I'm feeling slightly out of my depth as a Mamma this week. I'll come up for a quick breath soon, I know I will.

Unfortunately a lot of my stressful moments can be attributed to Luca "I'm still very much a two-year-old boy" Bokser.

As incredibly cute and delicious as he is, he can absolutely frustrate the hell out of me!

The motto he seems to currently be living by is: "Those are the rules but rules are made for breaking".

Getting him to do anything we ask usually ends in a physical battle to stay on the Time Out seat for not listening. 

Bedtimes and cleaning of the teeth have now enlisted the services of Henry the Crocodile, Lion and Robot.

Should I be concerned that it is very difficult to get Luca to listen to Austin or I, especially when it is something he really doesn't want to do - and it is only when we hold up the crocodile, lion or robot and pretend they are speaking and asking him to do as we ask, then we get an instant response from Luca...?!

But I'm telling you, if that's what it takes for him to obey us then so be it!

And how about this whole 'playing with the diddle' thing?? I mean, come on! I'm not a boy, never have been, so I am at a complete loss when I find my sweet, innocent, not-even-3-years-old-yet, beloved child holding hands with his third leg...

Today when I caught him again and said that his diddle is not for touching, he comes back with "It's MY diddle Mamma!"...

Yep.

You're right about that son.

Any advice anyone? All suggestions are most welcome!

But my 'stand-out' moment from this week when I really needed to make a quick decision between laughter and tears was when I was out for a run around Richmond Park (approx. 8 miles).

Now you need to understand that I have been having some stomach issues for the past couple of weeks thanks to a virus that's going around and I am now feeling heaps better (thank you). But unfortunately I started having another 'attack' of the familiar stomach cramps when I was only half way around the park. I was able to stop by numerous public toilets in the next little bit but they were all locked up for the evening.

Anyway, I finally had to give-in to the urge and headed, rather rapidly, towards the bushes, all the while chanting "I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it".

And then a bloody deer decides to jump out at me from behind a tree and made me shit my pants.

Literally.

I was not a happy camper.

I could not believe that I had just crapped my pants! And the almost just as terrible thing was that I still had to run 4 miles home...!

Fortunately I had my black running leggings on... and I wasn't feeling too tired at that stage so I just gunned it home and jumped straight in the shower, clothes and all.

And so after this experience I feel that I can now have a bit more sympathy for Luca when he poos his pants, whether it's an unintentional poo or not. I can empathise.

Now that I've told you my darkest and most humiliating experience of the week, I shall be off to bed and leave you with these photos from today's outing to the playground with 2 very adorable boys.

When all the cars are put away

One of the consequences for when Luca doesn't listen to us, has an obedience malfunction or [purposefully] hits Beni is that all his cars go away (out of reach) for the day. 

To put that into perspective, that would be like me being denied coffee for the day. That's a big deal.

And even though I can see the most wonderful, perfectly made coffee waiting for me, I can't reach it. It's beautiful fragrance filling my nostrils and yet I am denied that which I have grown to love and depend on so much to fill my days with joy. Sad huh?

It was a double-whammy today with Thomas Bike being put away as well. Ouch!

But when he finally accepts his car's fate for the day he just gets on with it and plays with all the other toys he has that get so neglected when those cars are around. I'm sure these toys secretly smile with delight and give each other high-fives when they hear Luca kicking up a fuss as they know the chances of them being played with today are very high.

And so to fill the massive 'Car-void' in his day he entertains himself with the likes of:
...his Pirate Ship

He also re-kindled his love for his calculator watch.

...his blocks

DO NOT look at the messy house...thanks.

...Pulling the flowers off Mamma's plants. I possibly wouldn't have known it was him but for the fact he left his Makapaka car at the crime scene. He's going to have to do some serious CSI watching I'm thinking!

...and of course there's drawing all over one's younger brother

Why draw on paper when drawing on a moving, slobbering object is so much more of a challenge?

And so to end (pun very much intended...sorry), this one's for the grandparents...

Check out those buns!!
As you can see child no.2 is following in child no.1's footsteps and is CHUBBA!
Just the way we like them.